“I got my class picture today, Mommy. I’ll show you my best friends and the girls that chase me.”
“Do you like it when the girls chase you, Biz?”
“I like it because they can’t catch me.”
This from my six-year-old who refuses to kiss me because I’m a girl. He has maintained for at least a year that he does not like girls. However, he will make an exception for me since I’m his mother. Of course, I hear a lot about the girls at school that chase him and his friends. There are only a few of them, but “a whole pack” of girls.
I guess this is the beginning of love in kindergarten.
I’ve had love on the brain lately. My own thoughts on love and how they have changed over the years. How very different my idea of love is now from when I first my ex-husband when I was 18-years-old.
What do we know about love at 18? Or at 6? Or at 39, for that matter?
Finding myself on the other end of a 20 year relationship with one man, I wonder how different my life would be had I not made that commitment.
Honestly, I don’t want to find out. I love where I am in life now, and I wouldn’t be here had it not been for my experiences over those years. I did not have a bad marriage, nor do I have any regrets. In fact, I have two loving boys that remind me of this fact every day.
But I find myself more sensitive to other’s perceptions of what love is or should be now. I cringe when I hear someone say that their significant other makes them complete. Do we really need another human being – one human being, specifically – to be complete? How can we love someone deeply if we are not complete ourselves? And who up and decided we are only supposed to have one true love in our lives?
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t tell at least one person, other than my kids, that I love them. I’ve said that I found true love all around me in the midst of getting divorce. It was already there, of course. I just didn’t appreciate it as much as I do now.
I feel more complete than I ever have in my life.
What I’ve found over the past year in my single life is that I really like being alone. Not lonely. Just alone. Not dependent on another human being for acceptance or worthiness. Not making sacrifices to maintain some semblance of balance. As a fiercely independent person, being single suits me quite well actually. I have a lot of people and a lot of passions in my life. And the two boys I do live with are quite cute and fun.
How often do we chase after love, the kind of traditional love we are taught we are supposed to want, thinking it will bring us happiness? Maybe we like the chase, even if we don’t admit it. But what are we looking for? Are we really so incomplete that we need another human being to fill a void for the rest of our lives?
We all need love and compassion in our lives. But for me, for now, I’m happy to be chased but not caught.
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Jennifer, some deeps thoughts on this today and like you there was a point in my life that I was happy for the chase, but not to necessarily be caught either. I think when you do finally get caught though, it will be the right time and person though if that makes sense, as least from my past experiences this is what I have found.
We’ll see, Janine. I’m not closing the door on settling down with one person, but I’m not convinced it’s what we need to feel happy and fulfilled either.
I’m with you. I don’t think we are supposed to have only one true love in our lives. I think we have many. Because life is ever changing and moving and morphing. There is no one person to complete us, there are many who compliment us.
EXACTLY, Tricia!
So beautiful and I completely agree. The older i get the more i realise I know so little about love or really life. I have made so many mistakes and they have brought me here in my life and I wouldn’t trade that!
Our experiences only add to the story of our life. It’s quite a journey, isn’t it? Thank you for your kind words, Jess.
I love this so much, Jennifer. I love that you have found TRUE self fulfillment… something few rarely do, as they depend on others for that very thing.
Love is a beautiful and incredibly powerful thing- that touches our hearts deeply and wholly- but doesn’t make us whole. At least that should never be the case… co-dependency is love’s greatest dysfunction. So many people *need* love in their lives to somehow claim their identity, and that makes me so sad. No one can ever truly feel self love and rise in that empowerment with that perspective.
Well said, Chris. I see a lot of co-dependency and fear of being alone. Not that there aren’t good, monogamous relationships out there. There are, of course. But sometimes I think we forget what love truly is.
I hear ya. I just celebrated our “flirtiversary” with someone who has been wonderful for me this past year. As I say, I always wish he was here but am glad he isn’t always here. It’s a good relationship/friendship and we love each other but aren’t in love. And we are happy with that.
Sounds pretty great, Steph. 🙂
Oh goodness no my husband does not “complete me.” In fact, there are many days that I think he makes me less… I am so proud of you for all you have done and all that you have learned. I was actually just thinking about you yesterday and marveling at how you have blossomed during a time that many women would wilt. Love you.
Thank you, my friend! I love you too! There was a lot in this post I started to write, but just deleted. More will come in time. So much to say!
So beautifully put, Jen! I think it is so important to feel complete in yourself and not be reliant on another person. Since Sam and I started dating, we made it a point to have lives outside of our relationship. Do we enjoy spending time together and do we love each other? Of course. But I’d like to think we’re also both whole people 🙂
Thank you, Bev! I think it’s so important to still maintain our lives outside of a relationship. So many couples I know do not and they suffer for it.
I really enjoyed this article and will be sharing it on my Divorce Resource page. I think real love and compassion are often found in the midst of a divorce and the sooner they are found, the sooner the healing starts.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Of course, I think they are fantastic and true because they are entirely aligned with my own.
Lots of love to you and yours.
Thank you, Christine! I appreciate your kinds works and for sharing. Lots of love right back to you and yours!
I agree with you that our society sends us the wrong message about needing someone else to be truly complete or fulfilled. It’s especially problematic when we believe we need to have our needs fulfilled by one single person, a romantic partner. Real life is about being fulfilled by a variety of relationships in your life, including (and most especially) the one with yourself. I think marriages would be a lot healthier if more people realized that their spouse isn’t meant to be their end-all-be-all.
When I was growing up, I was SUCH a romantic. I thought that I didn’t even know what it would be like to have a husband because the falling in love part was so amazing. I used to worry about that.
How funny that I’m 34 and married, and there are so many parts of life that make me complete. My happily ever after has to do with so much more.
I’ve said that I found true love all around me in the midst of getting divorce. <– This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. I used to be such a busy body until I had a baby. Then, I just really became a home body and love being alone. Not lonely like you said, just alone, content and being amongst peace. This is so beautiful, Jennifer : )
I have been saving this in my in box all week until now – the moment when I had time to sit down and read it – and savor it. I love what you say about finding true love all around you in the past year. Love – It’s always beautiful when we wake up and realize that love may not be what we thought it once was. This year has made you so much wiser – and you were wise to begin with. I love all of your take aways from what you’ave experienced this year. Every last one. Thanks for letting us in on it all.
I loved it then … and love it more now … you have rocked this year my dear.
Kicked *ss and shown it who is boss in full completeness … be proud!