This following article is a guest post from a friend and kick ass woman, Mara Pennell. I also highly encourage you to read this post from Mara that I shared on Facebook yesterday. It’s well worth the read.
photo credit: Bitstrips
It seems that there is something ingrained in female DNA that causes them to be highly apologetic about, well, everything. All. The. Time. I am pretty sure the lack of the “Y” chromosome does not, alone, cause us to be useless screw-ups. So why the incessant apologizing? Lack of confidence? Most likely.
Those who work in an office environment have a first row seat to this apology epidemic. People are apologizing for everything. They are sorry that they didn’t remember to hold the door. They are sorry that they are waiting behind you at the coffee pot. They are sorry the copier is out of paper. The words “I’m sorry” have become as commonplace as saying “good morning” or “hello.”
I answered my phone the other day and the conversation went like this:
“Good morning, Barbara.”
“Good morning, Mara. I am so sorry to bother you. I just had a quick question.”
Really? You are sorry that you are calling me? You know I am at work, right? I am physically sitting at my desk? You have called to ask me a question about said work? What are you sorry about again?
Consult with Webster’s and you will see an apology defined as “a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.” Can it be that we are that regretful about seemingly insignificant things? If someone happens to be blocking the aisle in the grocery store with their gigantic cart full of groceries and they are completely oblivious to their surroundings, I may choose to gently push their cart aside so I can get by. Does this require an apology? Is this so offensive that I must mutter a harried “I am sorry,” as I scoot past to grab my canned peas?
No. We are not that regretful. It is more likely that we lack confidence in ourselves and we simply do not know what else to say. We then fill that void with a meaningless “I am sorry.” It would be simply too uncomfortable to say, “please don’t be irritated with me that I dared to touch your grocery cart, since you were too absorbed in selecting a salad dressing to notice what was going on around you.” Yeah, awkward. Agreed.
Although all this over apologizing may seem harmless or even a nicety that we have come to accept, it is actually highly degrading. It is degrading to ourselves. It erodes others confidence in us. It erodes our confidence in ourselves.
Maybe equally important is that it is degrading to apologies in general. A real, true authentic apology is really the only acceptable kind. If we have committed an offense or failed one another in some way, by all means, a genuine apology is in order.
Next time you are tempted to mutter a meaningless, useless “I’m sorry” stop and think about what it is you are sorry for. Then think about what it is you really wanted to say. Think about maybe saying that instead. You might be surprised how empowering it is.
Mara K. Pennell spends her days raising little humans and in her spare time she provides leadership and innovative solutions for the growing membership at Midcoast Federal Credit Union as the Senior Vice President of Retail Services. Mara is not currently an active blogger but is fond of using fragments. You can follow her on twitter for occasional strikes of inspiration in 140 characters or less.
I seriously couldn’t agree more and actually just was talking about this yesterday with my mom, when we were grocery shopping. A little boy kicked my cart as I was walking past them in the produce aisle. I said I was sorry even though I didn’t hit him he actually kicked my cart. The mom gave me a look and then asked her son if he were ok. It irked me after the fact as I realized I had nothing to apologize for but was a knee jerk reaction of being polite to indeed say sorry and her reaction truly annoyed me ever so much more. Bottom line I definitely am guilty of saying sorry more then I have to here for sure.
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Using “sorry” as a way of being polite does sometime imply that we have something to be guilty of, when that is not what we intend at all. It is all about developing a new response, rather than this “knee-jerk” reaction. Such an accurate description. Thank you so much for sharing!
Oh, I’m terrible about this! I could relate to that grocery store example, I’m sure that I’ve done that on more than one occasion, which is just really silly if you stop to think about it. I’m apologizing for you being in the way?
“Maybe equally important is that it is degrading to apologies in general.” Such an important point! Saying I’m sorry losing its meaning if you say it over every little thing that you aren’t actually sorry for.
Great food for though, thank you so much for sharing!
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Acknowledging it is the first step! When someone says “I’m sorry,” I sometimes ask what they are sorry for. We should do this with ourselves, as well. You start to recognize it after you say it and, in time, you will start to recognize it before you say it! Thank you for sharing.
Oh my goodness I had this EXACT same conversation with myself the other day! I say sorry too much, and I was chiding myself about all the stupid little things I apologize for. It’s so funny that this post would run today. It’s like we had a brain meld!
Great post!
Alexa
Alexa recently posted..Healthy Gut Summit – FREE
Yes, brain meld! Glad you enjoyed it.
Mara – I think you nail this when you say we use the “I’m sorry” to fill some kind of void in between regret and lack of confidence. I say I’m sorry about 50 times a day – after reading this I’m going to start counting and try to stop it before it comes out of my mouth. Your Facebook post rocked by the way.
Thanks so much for the feedback! I agree, it is some sort of void. We just need to learn some alternative “go to” language. I have faith that it can be un-learned!
I do this all the time. It is pointless you are right! I am going to work on this. Thank you
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Thanks for your comments Jess! I think if we are more aware, it slowly becomes easier to break these habits.
Good point. I do it all the time…the grocery store especially when someone is just off in their own little world and doesn’t notice other people needing to get by. Most of the time I just wait patiently, but if I do ever touch someone’s cart, I do apologize. I need to work on this.
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I do see it a lot in the grocery store or anywhere strangers tend to congregate. I guess it has just become the polite thing to do! I think we can learn some new “go-to” phrases, to say what we mean. The funny thing is, I think I am less likely to touch their cart if there are personal belongings in it (and never a child, of course). If I do choose to move it, sometimes I say “do you mind if I just move this over a bit?” Let’s reserve “sorry” for when we have done something wrong, can we please? Thanks for sharing!
It’s so true! I say it constantly. Especially to my family! And they say, “It’s nothing to be sorry for!”
One way in which I’m divided is that I rarely have cash on me, before I sound heartless with what I say next. I just rarely do. And there are a lot of panhandlers in my city and I always say, “Sorry I have nothing.” And then I wonder if I really am sorry. I’m sorry for myself mostly, that I don’t have extra money!
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This is a great example! Are you genuinely sorry or just not sure what else to say. If you are genuinely sorry because you would have contributed, then by all means. When I get asked to contribute for the 27th time to buy a shamrock for some noble cause, I sometimes say “Not today, thank you.”
I heard someone else point out this very thing the other day, how ironic that I see this topic again because after I heard it the first time, I realized just how much I apologize for unnecessary things that don’t need an apology. I’m just going to take that as a sign to quit saying sorry when it’s not needed haha
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Yes, a sign! Thanks for sharing.
I’ve encountered this sentiment before and I wholeheartedly agree! I find it funny that my husband is a perpetual apologizer. Except he apologizes for stupid things like bumping my elbow in the shower, but not the big things, like being a jerk during an argument.
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He needs an apology coach to help him prioritize his remorse! Thanks for sharing.
I think people say “I’m sorry” when they feel they aren’t worthy of other’s *fill in the blank here*. I have used it for that very reason… I am betting that is why many people say it. We shouldn’t have to apologize for our presence, our needs, our desires, our interactions that deserve to be heard, seen and noticed!
This is empowering. Thank you!
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Exactly! Why should we? I will not apologize for being who I am. Glad you found it empowering. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Christine.